Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances