[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u