Who needs an Air Fryer?
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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”