It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”