When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
the simulation is moving too fast
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”