I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
haha same
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady