If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
dutch is not a serious language
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats