You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Goodnight 🐶
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d