You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done