When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The prophecy is fulfilled
This is always good for a laugh.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
These dogs look like they have good credit.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”