My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself