[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My beach vacation Google searches
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
girls literally only want one thing..
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”