I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
This kid will have a bright future.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.