Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did