Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
There’s never enough good news
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.