Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me after drinking all the wine:
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace