FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Good morning, Twitter x
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character