You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more