i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If looks could kill
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots