[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?