They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun