My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.