Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis