[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?