Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Anime is real
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”