Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad