Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
set yourself free xox
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right