me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.