Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Home is where your toilet is.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”