As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Happy thanksgiving!
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.