One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
You Might Also Like
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Not today.. 😂
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail