My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet