The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them