Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost