Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down