Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.