Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.