Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something