“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Banana is the quietest snack
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.