birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Breaking news:
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.