It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
We’ve come full circle
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
necessity is the mother of invention