10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
oh my god
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night