Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!