[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
don’t be scared
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.