Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.