Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.