Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place