Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
📽️movie date🎞️
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”