I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?