I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder